More Bumper Stickers
Posted: 29 Jul 2013 08:13 AM PDT
1.Save the trees…. Wipe your butt with an owl.
2. Honk if you’ve never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
3. Seen on the back of a biker’s vest: If you can read this, my wife fell off.
4. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
5. If you can read this, please flip me back over… (seen upside down, on a Jeep)
6. Please tell your pants it’s not polite to point.
7. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.
8. Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.
9. Feel safe tonight … Sleep with a cop.
10. Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.
11. GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.
12. If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut??
13. Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”
14. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
15. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
16. Axe me about Ebonics
17. Boldly going nowhere
18. Cat: The other white meat
19. CAUTION – Driver legally blonde
20. Don’t be sexist – broads hate that!
21. Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
22. He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged
23. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you
24. If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets
25. If you lived in your car, you’d be home by now
26. WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
27. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
28. Keep honking, I’m reloading.
Viagra Slogans
Posted: 12 Jun 2013 08:29 AM PDT
16. Just do her.
15. We work harder, so you don’t have to
14. Ten inches long… and growing
13. Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight
12. Viagra, home of the whopper
11. Viagra, Now is a great time to be silver
10. Viagra. The quicker dicker upper
9. One-a-day, like iron
8. Get a piece of the rock
7. You’ve come a long way, baby
6. Viagra, it plumps when you take ‘em
5. Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
4. Tastes great, more filling
3. Viagra, built ram tough
2. Here’s the beef!
and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1. This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra.
Any questions?
56 WAYS TO PISS OFF YOUR ROOMMATE
Posted: 06 Aug 2013 10:34 AM PDT
1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Twitch a lot.
3. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
4. Speak in tongues.
5. Move you roommate’s personal effects around. Start subtlety.
6. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
7. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, “They’re more than meets the eye.”
8. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. “The Road Warrior,” “Repo Man,” Casablanca,”) almost inaudibly.
9. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
10. Chain yourself to your roommate’s bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
11. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
12. Ask your roommate if your family can move in “just for a couple of weeks.”
13. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
14. Eat glass.
15. Smile. All the time.
16. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.
17. Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
18. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Ho’s in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
19. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate’s desk. Include a list of grievances.
20. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
21. Dye all your underwear lime green.
22. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
23. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
24. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
25. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
26. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
27. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with “Didja ever wonder why….” Be creative.
28. Shave one eyebrow.
29. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
30. Always flush the toilet three times.
31. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
32. Give him/her an allowance.
33. Listen to radio static.
34. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
35. Cry a lot.
36. Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.
37. If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
38. Put porno’s under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your roommate when they’re not home, show them the magazines.
39. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . . use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.
40. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
41. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
42. Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you’re doing, grab a towel, and go shower too.
43. Call your RA whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
44. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
45. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
46. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
47. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don’t say anything, just stare.
48. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can’t remember who it was.
49. Skip to the bathroom.
50. Take all of your roommate’s furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.
51. Whenever you’re on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes then call whoever it was back.
52. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
53. Collect Chia-Pets.
54. Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
55. Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn’t looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice.
Wait until your roommate turns around. Drink it.
56. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, “You shouldn’t have done that to me.”
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS
Posted: 14 Aug 2013 11:54 AM PDT
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You’re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, “How’s my driving–call1-800-
6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male.
8. You’re counting down the days until menopause.
9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
SENIOR TRUTHS !!!!!
Posted: 04 Dec 2009 08:21 AM PST
Many of us ‘Old Folks’ (WAY over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves. Feeling ‘young’, we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.
Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Mini skirts and varicose veins
And, Most importantly
At some point you have to give up
the ‘DAISY DUKE’ shorts!!!!!!
CHANGING CHRISTMAS
Posted: 08 Dec 2009 11:14 PM PST
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. . . Please read the following carefully:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Canada and the northern boarder states.
As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I made certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus; sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.
4. You won’t hear On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen . . ., when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.
5. Ho, ho, ho! has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I herd dat!”
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back off”. The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and It’s a “Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like “Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer” and Bing Crosby’s “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”. This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt’s “Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox”, Cledus T. Judd “All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack”, and Hank Williams Jr.’s “If You Don’t Like Bubba Claus, You can Shove It.
Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus
(member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
The Five Secrets To A Great Relationship
Posted: 22 Dec 2009 04:17 PM PST
1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable, respectful and doesn’t lie.
4. It is important to find a man who’s good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
5. It is important that these four men never meet.
The post The Five Secrets To A Great Relationship appeared first on .
Signs You’ve Had Too Much Holiday Cheer
Posted: 21 Dec 2009 03:13 AM PST
1. You strike a match and light your nose.
2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
3. You hear a duck quacking and it’s you.
4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
6. You hear someone say, “Call a priest!”
7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
10. You tell everyone you have to go home… and the party’s at your place.
11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room… and realize you’re in front of the hall mirror.
14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
Fifty-Six fun things to do in Walmart
Posted: 22 Dec 2009 04:20 PM PST
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Run up to an employee (preferrebly a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him ” I need some tampons!!”
5. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms
7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible “sex and candy”
8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” and see what happens.
9. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to “10″.
10. Play with the automatic doors.
11. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen you in so long!…” etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
12. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, “Who BUYS this shit, anyway?”
13. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
14. Try putting different pairs of women’s panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
15. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
16. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
17. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, “Wow. Magic!”
18. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
19. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
20. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
21. Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
22. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, “…I’m Batman. Come, Robin–to the Batcave!”
23. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
24. Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello” upside down.
25. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”
26. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, “Red Rover!”
27. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
28. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
29. Take bets on the battle described above.
30. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
31. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
32. While no one’s watching quickly switch the men’s and women’s signs on the doors of the rest room.
33. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission:Impossible.”
34. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
35. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
36. “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s in Electronics.
37. In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with various funnels.
38. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like “the fat man walks alone,” and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them
39. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation i.e:
“How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling.” Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.”
40. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!”
41. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
42. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
43. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying “Good girl, good bessie.”
44. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
45. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
46. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
47. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
48. Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles.
49. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. “hi!!!! (giggle) What’s your sign? (giggle).” When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. “hi!!!! (giggle) What’s your sign?(giggle).”
50. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
51.When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
52.Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
53.Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
54. Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?”
55. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re taking it for a “test drive.”
56. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don’t realize it!
Strange but True
Posted: 16 Dec 2009 08:54 PM PST
82 STRANGE but TRUE Facts
(One is incorrect! Can you find it?)
1. Look at your zipper. See the initials YKK? It stands for Yoshida Kogyo Kabushibibaisha, the world’s largest zipper manufacturer.
2. 40 percent of McDonald’s profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
3. 315 entries in Webster’s 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
4. On the average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
5. Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate affects a dog’s heart and nervous system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.
6. Ketchup was sold in the 1830′s as a medicine.
7. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
8. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
9. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
10. Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa’s lips.
11. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow a film down so you could see his moves. That’s the opposite of the norm.
12. The original name for the butterfly was “flutterby”!
13. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can’t sink in quicksand.
14. Mosquito repellents don’t repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito’s sensors so they don’t know you’re there.
15. Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
16. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.
17. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than the entire Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
18. Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.
19. Adolf Hitler’s mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.
20. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
21. To escape the grip of a crocodile’s jaws, prick your fingers into its eyeballs. It will let you go instantly.
22. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
23. The “pound” (#) key on your keyboard is called an octothorp.
24. The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
25. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
26. The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
27. Dreamt” is the only word in the English language that ends in “mt”.
28. It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. In Chinese, the KFC slogan “finger lickin’ good” comes out as “eat your fingers off”.
30. A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head.
31. We shed 40 pounds of skin a lifetime.
32. Yo-Yos were once used as weapons in the Philippines
33. Mexico City sinks abut 10 inches a year.
34. Brains are more active sleeping than watching TV.
35. Blue is the favorite color of 80 percent of Americans.
36. When a person shakes their head from side to side, he is saying “yes” in Sri Lanka
37. There are more chickens than people in the world.
38. The thumbnail grows the slowest, and the middle nail grows the fastest.
39. There are more telephones than people in Washington , D.C.
40. The average four year-old child asks over four hundred questions a day.
41. The average person presses the snooze button on their alarm clock three Times each morning.
42. The three wealthiest families in the world have more assets than the Combined wealth of the forty-eight poorest nations.
43. The first owner of the Marlboro cigarette Company died of lung cancer.
44. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
45. The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
46. Our eyes remain the same size from birth onward, but our noses and ears Never stop growing.
47. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV.
48. A person will die from total lack of sleep sooner than from starvation. Death will occur about 10 days without sleep, while starvation takes a Few weeks.
49. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
50. The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.
51. When the moon is directly overhead, you weigh slightly less.
52. Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never telephoned His wife or mother because they were both deaf.
53. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a Carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After Weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe Leaving her mentally retarded
54. “I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language
55. Colgate faced a big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking Countries because Colgate translates into the command “go hang Yourself.”
56. Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue print is different.
57. “Bookkeeper” is the only word in English language with three consecutive Double letters.
58. Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed People do.
59. The sentence “the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every Letter in the English language.
60. If the population of China walked past you in single line, the line Would never end because of the rate of reproduction
61. China has more English speakers than the United States
62. Every human spent about half an hour as a single cell.
63. Each square inch of human skin consists of twenty feet of blood vessels.
64. An average person uses the bathroom 6 times per day.
65. Babies are born with 300 bones, but by adulthood we have only 206 in our Bodies.
66. Beards are the fastest growing hairs on the human body. If the average Man never trimmed his beard, it would grow to nearly 30 feet long in his Lifetime.
67. According to Genesis 1:20-22, the chicken came before the egg.
68. The longest place name still in use is: Taumatawhakatangihangaoauauotameteaturi- Pukakpikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu – a New Zealand hill.
69. If you leave Tokyo by plane at 7:00am, you will arrive in Honolulu at Approximately 4:30pm the previous day.
70. Scientists in Australia ‘s Parkes Observatory thought they had positive Proof of alien life, when they began picking up radio-waves from space. However, after investigation, the radio emissions were traced to a Microwave in the building.
71. Wearing headphones for an hour increases the bacteria in your ear 700 times.
72. More than 40,000 parasites and 250 types of bacteria are exchanged during a French kiss.
73. Men can read smaller print than women, but women can hear better.
74. Coca-Cola was originally green.
75. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
76. The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they start with.
77. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States
78. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
79. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!!
80. You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath.
81. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
82. People say “Bless you” when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.
College Habits To Bring Home
Posted: 15 Dec 2009 04:45 PM PST
1. Try to use your dorm key to unlock your bedroom door.
2. Have your mom scan your ID card for meals.
3. Look for a tray to carry your dinner to the table with.
4. Walk two blocks to go to dinner.
5. Forget to dial the first three digits of your friend’s phone number.
6. Dial 9 when calling out of your house.
7. Use your calling card when calling your friends.
8. Walk to the post office to get your mail.
9. Walk around the neighborhood looking for WiFi signal.
10. Go nuts looking for the quarter slots on the washing machine.
11. Try to latch the bathroom door because you think you’re in a stall.
12. Take all your shower items to and from your room.
13. Get dressed in the dark.
14. Move another bed, dresser, and desk into your room because there is too much extra space.
15. Make junk food runs at 11:30 at night.
New Years Resolutions you Can Keep
Posted: 03 Jan 2010 09:13 PM PST
1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Don’t date any of the Baywatch cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
9. Don’t jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
11. Don’t have eight children at once.
12. Get in a whole NEW rut!
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Personal goal: bring back disco.
15. Don’t wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
16. Don’t bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
17. Buy an ’83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
18. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
19. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
20. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
21. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
22. Don’t eat cloned meat.
23. Create loose ends.
24. Get more toys.
25. Get further in debt.
26. Don’t believe politicians.
27. Break at least one traffic law.
28. Don’t drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
29. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
30. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
31. Stay off the MIR space station.
32. Don’t worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world.
33. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
34. Don’t swim with pirhanas or sharks.
35. Associate with even worse business clients.
36. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.
37. Wait around for opportunity.
38. Focus on the faults of others.
39. Mope about faults.
40. Never make New Year’s resolutions again
New Years Resolutions for Pets
Posted: 03 Jan 2010 09:13 PM PST
12. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
11. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.
10. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
9. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.
8. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.
7. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
6. Hamster: Don’t let them figure out I’m just a rat on ‘roids, or they’ll flush my ass.
5. Always scoot before licking.
4. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
3. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.
2. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd – December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
AND the Number 1 New Year’s Resolutions Made by Pets…
1. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.
Top 10 Country Western Songs:
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.
And the Number One Country & Western song is:
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.
Signs You’ve Had Too Much Holiday Cheer
Posted: 09 Dec 2013 08:30 AM PST
1. You strike a match and light your nose.
2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
3. You hear a duck quacking and it’s you.
4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
6. You hear someone say, “Call a priest!”
7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
10. You tell everyone you have to go home… and the party’s at your place.
11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room… and realize you’re in front of the hall mirror.
14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
See also:
Net Humour
sms
SMS Humour
More Bumper Stickers
Posted: 29 Jul 2013 08:13 AM PDT
1.Save the trees…. Wipe your butt with an owl.
2. Honk if you’ve never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
3. Seen on the back of a biker’s vest: If you can read this, my wife fell off.
4. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
5. If you can read this, please flip me back over… (seen upside down, on a Jeep)
6. Please tell your pants it’s not polite to point.
7. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.
8. Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.
9. Feel safe tonight … Sleep with a cop.
10. Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.
11. GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.
12. If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut??
13. Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”
14. I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
15. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
16. Axe me about Ebonics
17. Boldly going nowhere
18. Cat: The other white meat
19. CAUTION – Driver legally blonde
20. Don’t be sexist – broads hate that!
21. Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
22. He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged
23. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you
24. If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets
25. If you lived in your car, you’d be home by now
26. WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
27. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
28. Keep honking, I’m reloading.
Viagra Slogans
Posted: 12 Jun 2013 08:29 AM PDT
16. Just do her.
15. We work harder, so you don’t have to
14. Ten inches long… and growing
13. Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight
12. Viagra, home of the whopper
11. Viagra, Now is a great time to be silver
10. Viagra. The quicker dicker upper
9. One-a-day, like iron
8. Get a piece of the rock
7. You’ve come a long way, baby
6. Viagra, it plumps when you take ‘em
5. Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
4. Tastes great, more filling
3. Viagra, built ram tough
2. Here’s the beef!
and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1. This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra.
Any questions?
56 WAYS TO PISS OFF YOUR ROOMMATE
Posted: 06 Aug 2013 10:34 AM PDT
1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Twitch a lot.
3. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
4. Speak in tongues.
5. Move you roommate’s personal effects around. Start subtlety.
6. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
7. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, “They’re more than meets the eye.”
8. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. “The Road Warrior,” “Repo Man,” Casablanca,”) almost inaudibly.
9. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
10. Chain yourself to your roommate’s bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
11. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
12. Ask your roommate if your family can move in “just for a couple of weeks.”
13. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
14. Eat glass.
15. Smile. All the time.
16. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.
17. Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
18. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Ho’s in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
19. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate’s desk. Include a list of grievances.
20. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
21. Dye all your underwear lime green.
22. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
23. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
24. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
25. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
26. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
27. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with “Didja ever wonder why….” Be creative.
28. Shave one eyebrow.
29. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
30. Always flush the toilet three times.
31. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
32. Give him/her an allowance.
33. Listen to radio static.
34. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
35. Cry a lot.
36. Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.
37. If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
38. Put porno’s under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your roommate when they’re not home, show them the magazines.
39. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . . use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.
40. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
41. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
42. Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you’re doing, grab a towel, and go shower too.
43. Call your RA whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
44. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
45. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
46. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
47. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don’t say anything, just stare.
48. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can’t remember who it was.
49. Skip to the bathroom.
50. Take all of your roommate’s furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.
51. Whenever you’re on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes then call whoever it was back.
52. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
53. Collect Chia-Pets.
54. Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
55. Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn’t looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice.
Wait until your roommate turns around. Drink it.
56. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, “You shouldn’t have done that to me.”
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS
Posted: 14 Aug 2013 11:54 AM PDT
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You’re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, “How’s my driving–call1-800-
6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male.
8. You’re counting down the days until menopause.
9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
SENIOR TRUTHS !!!!!
Posted: 04 Dec 2009 08:21 AM PST
Many of us ‘Old Folks’ (WAY over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves. Feeling ‘young’, we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.
Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Mini skirts and varicose veins
And, Most importantly
At some point you have to give up
the ‘DAISY DUKE’ shorts!!!!!!
CHANGING CHRISTMAS
Posted: 08 Dec 2009 11:14 PM PST
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. . . Please read the
following carefully:
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to
serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current
population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies
and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Canada and the northern
boarder states.
As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and
cookies so keep that in mind. However, I made certain that your children will be
in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin,
Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
differences between us.
Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He
has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: These toys insured
by Smith and Wesson.
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC
cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a
pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus; sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs instead of
reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time,
and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.
4. You won’t hear On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen . . ., when Bubba
Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and
Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.
5. Ho, ho, ho! has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear
Bubba’s elves respond, “I herd dat!”
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a
Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back off”. The last I
heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Ford or
Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a
caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee-wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and It’s
a “Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead,
you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring
Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each
other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife,
and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the
tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like “Rudolph The
Red-nosed Reindeer” and Bing Crosby’s “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”. This year
songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the
South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt’s “Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox”,
Cledus T. Judd “All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack”, and Hank
Williams Jr.’s “If You Don’t Like Bubba Claus, You can Shove It.
Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus
(member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)
The Five Secrets To A Great Relationship
Posted: 22 Dec 2009 04:17 PM PST
1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable, respectful and doesn’t lie.
4. It is important to find a man who’s good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
5. It is important that these four men never meet.
The post The Five Secrets To A Great Relationship appeared first on .
Signs You’ve Had Too Much Holiday Cheer
Posted: 21 Dec 2009 03:13 AM PST
1. You strike a match and light your nose.
2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
3. You hear a duck quacking and it’s you.
4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
6. You hear someone say, “Call a priest!”
7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
10. You tell everyone you have to go home… and the party’s at your place.
11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room… and realize you’re in front of the hall mirror.
14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
Fifty-Six fun things to do in Walmart
Posted: 22 Dec 2009 04:20 PM PST
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding
them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the
day.
4. Run up to an employee (preferrebly a male) while squeezing your legs together
and practically yell at him ” I need some tampons!!”
5. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms
7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible “sex and
candy”
8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a
Code 3 in Housewares,” and see what happens.
9. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the
volumes to “10″.
10. Play with the automatic doors.
11. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen you in so long!…”
etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
12. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for
all to hear, “Who BUYS this shit, anyway?”
13. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
14. Try putting different pairs of women’s panties on your head and walk around
the store casually.
15. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
16. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing
field.
17. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and
say, “Wow. Magic!”
18. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
19. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them
in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
20. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air
fresheners.
21. Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
22. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, “…I’m Batman.
Come, Robin–to the Batcave!”
23. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
24. Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello” upside down.
25. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you
people just leave me alone?”
26. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them,
yelling, “Red Rover!”
27. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick
your nose.
28. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with
G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
29. Take bets on the battle described above.
30. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
31. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
32. While no one’s watching quickly switch the men’s and women’s signs on the
doors of the rest room.
33. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission:Impossible.”
34. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
35. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
36. “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s in Electronics.
37. In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with various funnels.
38. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like
“the fat man walks alone,” and scare them into believing that the clothes are
talking to them
39. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very
serious conversation i.e:
“How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another
girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling.” Then act as though you
are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.”
40. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position
and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!”
41. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
42. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store
has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don’t get out much, and ask
if they can put a little umbrella in it.
43. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it
lovingly, saying “Good girl, good bessie.”
44. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting
one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
45. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make
off with it without saying a word.
46. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away.
Continue to do this until they leave the department.
47. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
48. Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles.
49. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then
walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that
annoying, ditsy way. “hi!!!! (giggle) What’s your sign? (giggle).” When the boy
shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. “hi!!!!
(giggle) What’s your sign?(giggle).”
50. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
51.When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow
aisles.
52.Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
53.Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
54. Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?”
55. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re taking it for a “test
drive.”
56. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don’t
realize it!
Strange but True
Posted: 16 Dec 2009 08:54 PM PST
82 STRANGE but TRUE Facts
(One is incorrect! Can you find it?)
1. Look at your zipper. See the initials YKK? It stands for Yoshida Kogyo
Kabushibibaisha, the world’s largest zipper manufacturer.
2. 40 percent of McDonald’s profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
3. 315 entries in Webster’s 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
4. On the average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
5. Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate affects a dog’s heart and nervous
system. A few ounces is enough to kill a small sized dog.
6. Ketchup was sold in the 1830′s as a medicine.
7. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the
same time.
8. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made
of wood.
9. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
10. Leonardo da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint
Mona Lisa’s lips.
11. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to slow a film down so you
could see his moves. That’s the opposite of the norm.
12. The original name for the butterfly was “flutterby”!
13. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can’t sink in
quicksand.
14. Mosquito repellents don’t repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the
mosquito’s sensors so they don’t know you’re there.
15. Dentists recommend that a toothbrush be kept at least six feet away from a
toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
16. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.
17. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than the entire Nike
factory workers in Malaysia combined.
18. Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.
19. Adolf Hitler’s mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked
out of it by her doctor.
20. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and
Budweiser, in that order.
21. To escape the grip of a crocodile’s jaws, prick your fingers into its
eyeballs. It will let you go instantly.
22. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
23. The “pound” (#) key on your keyboard is called an octothorp.
24. The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
25. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
26. The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
27. Dreamt” is the only word in the English language that ends in “mt”.
28. It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. In Chinese, the KFC slogan “finger lickin’ good” comes out as “eat your
fingers off”.
30. A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head.
31. We shed 40 pounds of skin a lifetime.
32. Yo-Yos were once used as weapons in the Philippines
33. Mexico City sinks abut 10 inches a year.
34. Brains are more active sleeping than watching TV.
35. Blue is the favorite color of 80 percent of Americans.
36. When a person shakes their head from side to side, he is saying “yes” in Sri
Lanka
37. There are more chickens than people in the world.
38. The thumbnail grows the slowest, and the middle nail grows the fastest.
39. There are more telephones than people in Washington , D.C.
40. The average four year-old child asks over four hundred questions a day.
41. The average person presses the snooze button on their alarm clock three
Times each morning.
42. The three wealthiest families in the world have more assets than the
Combined wealth of the forty-eight poorest nations.
43. The first owner of the Marlboro cigarette Company died of lung cancer.
44. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
45. The world’s youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
46. Our eyes remain the same size from birth onward, but our noses and ears
Never stop growing.
47. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV.
48. A person will die from total lack of sleep sooner than from starvation.
Death will occur about 10 days without sleep, while starvation takes a Few
weeks.
49. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
50. The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows.
51. When the moon is directly overhead, you weigh slightly less.
52. Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never telephoned His
wife or mother because they were both deaf.
53. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a Carpenter in
order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After Weeks of needling, he
snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe Leaving her mentally retarded
54. “I am.” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language
55. Colgate faced a big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking
Countries because Colgate translates into the command “go hang Yourself.”
56. Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue print is different.
57. “Bookkeeper” is the only word in English language with three consecutive
Double letters.
58. Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed
People do.
59. The sentence “the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every Letter
in the English language.
60. If the population of China walked past you in single line, the line Would
never end because of the rate of reproduction
61. China has more English speakers than the United States
62. Every human spent about half an hour as a single cell.
63. Each square inch of human skin consists of twenty feet of blood vessels.
64. An average person uses the bathroom 6 times per day.
65. Babies are born with 300 bones, but by adulthood we have only 206 in our
Bodies.
66. Beards are the fastest growing hairs on the human body. If the average Man
never trimmed his beard, it would grow to nearly 30 feet long in his Lifetime.
67. According to Genesis 1:20-22, the chicken came before the egg.
68. The longest place name still in use is:
Taumatawhakatangihangaoauauotameteaturi-
Pukakpikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu – a New Zealand hill.
69. If you leave Tokyo by plane at 7:00am, you will arrive in Honolulu at
Approximately 4:30pm the previous day.
70. Scientists in Australia ‘s Parkes Observatory thought they had positive
Proof of alien life, when they began picking up radio-waves from space. However,
after investigation, the radio emissions were traced to a Microwave in the
building.
71. Wearing headphones for an hour increases the bacteria in your ear 700 times.
72. More than 40,000 parasites and 250 types of bacteria are exchanged during a
French kiss.
73. Men can read smaller print than women, but women can hear better.
74. Coca-Cola was originally green.
75. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
76. The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they start
with.
77. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States
78. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on
one row of the keyboard.
79. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!!
80. You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath.
81. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
82. People say “Bless you” when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart
stops for a millisecond.
College Habits To Bring Home
Posted: 15 Dec 2009 04:45 PM PST
1. Try to use your dorm key to unlock your bedroom door.
2. Have your mom scan your ID card for meals.
3. Look for a tray to carry your dinner to the table with.
4. Walk two blocks to go to dinner.
5. Forget to dial the first three digits of your friend’s phone number.
6. Dial 9 when calling out of your house.
7. Use your calling card when calling your friends.
8. Walk to the post office to get your mail.
9. Walk around the neighborhood looking for WiFi signal.
10. Go nuts looking for the quarter slots on the washing machine.
11. Try to latch the bathroom door because you think you’re in a stall.
12. Take all your shower items to and from your room.
13. Get dressed in the dark.
14. Move another bed, dresser, and desk into your room because there is too much
extra space.
15. Make junk food runs at 11:30 at night.
New Years Resolutions you Can Keep
Posted: 03 Jan 2010 09:13 PM PST
1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Don’t date any of the Baywatch cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of
twine.
9. Don’t jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
11. Don’t have eight children at once.
12. Get in a whole NEW rut!
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Personal goal: bring back disco.
15. Don’t wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
16. Don’t bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
17. Buy an ’83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
18. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
19. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
20. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a
belt.
21. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
22. Don’t eat cloned meat.
23. Create loose ends.
24. Get more toys.
25. Get further in debt.
26. Don’t believe politicians.
27. Break at least one traffic law.
28. Don’t drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
29. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
30. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
31. Stay off the MIR space station.
32. Don’t worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world.
33. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
34. Don’t swim with pirhanas or sharks.
35. Associate with even worse business clients.
36. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.
37. Wait around for opportunity.
38. Focus on the faults of others.
39. Mope about faults.
40. Never make New Year’s resolutions again
New Years Resolutions for Pets
Posted: 03 Jan 2010 09:13 PM PST
12. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
11. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.
10. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
9. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog
shows.
8. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when
no one is around.
7. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
6. Hamster: Don’t let them figure out I’m just a rat on ‘roids, or they’ll flush
my ass.
5. Always scoot before licking.
4. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is
*too* much.
3. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.
2. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd – December 31:
Re-live victory over the sock.
AND the Number 1 New Year’s Resolutions Made by Pets…
1. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.
Top 10 Country Western Songs:
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.
And the Number One Country & Western song is:
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day.
See also: