HUMOUR FROM THE NET |
1. Asiye funzwa na mamake hufunzwa na google.
2
On the Job
WHAT THEY TELL YOU IN CAPS what it means in small
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY": We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE": We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE
DEADLINE ORIENTED": You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED": Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY": Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL": We have no quality control.
3. The Bible was written by the same people who said the world was flat
(Doest this joke attest to the validity of the word. How could people who were not so intelligent poses wisdom to a level of prophesying such truths as in Daniel all the governments of the world to date, the gospels, miracles, knowledge, etc without some Divine Power backing them up.)
(Think outside the box if you are looking at the sun and planets from a distance they can fit in the square/box/rectangle/oblong/oval but when your inside, how can you see the big picture. And in conclusion they referred to four corner and not flat. The flat thought only appeared to the one interpreting.)
4.
This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
(A joke intended to buy time, usually sent via sms)
5.
|
|
In
1912 the world famous Australian gynecologist. Dr. Hermann Otto
Kloepneckler. M.D. Ph.D. published the following: |
(From the above scientist findings don't all married men have the best engine, self lubricating and everything, unless they are in a relationship that is not accepted by religion. Doesn't God know what he is doing because men are interested in engines, yet they require a lot of work, so this engine is unrivaled to date. "Its the remix to ignition flowing fresh out of the kitchen.")
6.
Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Accounting.
If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
And if they've left early, put them in Sales
(As long as your in sales you can leave early and claim you are selling out there)
7.
I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!
(Who doesn't love ice cream)
8.
A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. Listen, said the shoplifter, I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this? The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?
9.
They meet, He says: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
She reply's : Oh yes... that's why I don't go there anymore.
10.
Old man Johnson was called as a witness in a burglary trial. The defense lawyer asks Johnson, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?" "Yep, sure did" says Johnson, "I saw him take the stuff alright."
The lawyer asks again, "Mr. Johnson, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yep" says Johnson, "He's the one, alright... I saw him do it." Then the lawyer asks Johnson, "Johnson listen, you are 78 years old and your eyesight is clearly not what is once was... Just how far can you see at night?"
Johnson says, "Listen, buddy, I can see the moon, how far is that?"
11.
When an efficient secretary asked her boss for a raise in her salary, he turned her down, saying: .Your salary is already higher than that of the secretary at the next desk. And she has five children. Excuse me,. the efficient woman replied, .I thought we got paid for what we produce here. not for what we produce at home in our own time..
12.
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. .Give me your money,. he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, .You can.t do this.I.m a politician!. In that case,. replied the robber, .give me my money!.
13.
The Duke of Gloucester, speaking at a luncheon in London: .A home accidents survey which showed that ninety percent of accidents on staircases involved either the top or the bottom step, was fed into a computer. Asked how accidents could be reduced, the computer answered: .Remove the top and bottom steps...
14.
|
(No wonder most chefs are men or men are chefs. Am not disagreeing that women cook, but who does the best cooking in the marriage.)
15.
Little Ernie was having a problem with his homework.
.Dad,. he asked, .What is the difference between .anger. and .exasperation.?.
.Well, son,. said his father, .I.ll give you a practical demonstration..
His father picked up the phone and dialled a number.
.Hello,. said a voice at the other end.
.Hello,. said Ernie.s father. .Is Melvin there?.
.There is no one called Melvin here!. the voice replied. .Why don.t you look
up numbers before you dial them?.
.You see?. said Ernie.s father. .That man was not at all happy with our call.
But watch this!.
He then dialled the number again, and says, .Hello, is Melvin there?.
.Now look here!. the voice said angrily. .I told you there is no Melvin here!
You have got a lot of nerve calling again!.
.Did you hear that?. Ernie.s father asked. .That was .anger.. Now, I will show
you what .exasperation. is!.
He dialled once again. And on hearing the voice at the other end, Ernie.s
father said: .Hello! This is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?.
16.
The sign on the door of a lawyer.s chamber reads: .Where there is a will, there is a way; where there is a way, there is law; where there is law, there is a rule; where there is a rule, there is a loophole; where there is a loophole; there is a lawyer; and so here I am..
17.
Father: .Would you still love my daughter even if she were poor?.
Suitor: .Of course..
Father: .You.re no good. We don.t want fools in our family..
18.
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out
about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the
time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling
on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing
that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little
Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a
small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher
couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him
just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that,"
she said, "But what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said
Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a
heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
(People should move out and marry before pregnancy therefore the wise decide
no intercourse outside marriage)
19. Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back
20. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
21.
No cheating please
This is a great Psychological Test and it is Extremely Accurate.
It's amazing what modern math can do these days
FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL..
DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET, DO THE
SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO.
It's CRAZY how accurate this is
No peeking
1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9
2) MULTIPLY by 3 then
3) ADD 3
4) Then again, multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator....)
5) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....
6) Add the digits together
Now ... Scroll down
With that number, see WHO your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:
1. Einstein,
2. Dalai Lama,
3. Prince Charles,
4. Genghis Khan,
5. Bill Gates,
6. Gandhi,
7. Ronald Regan,
8. Elvis Presley
9. "ME"
10. John F Kennedy
I know, I know....I have that effect on a lot of people. One day, you too, can
be just like me :-)
S.P.. Stop picking different numbers!!! I AM YOUR ROLE MODEL, JUST DEAL WITH
IT!!!!!!
22.
Types Of Women.
Sent on: 3/22/2004 - By: Yaron
HARD-DISK Woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.
RAM Woman:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.
WINDOWS Woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without
her.
EXCEL Woman:
They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for your four basic
needs.
SCREENSAVER Woman:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!
INTERNET Woman:
Difficult to access.
SERVER Woman:
Always busy when you need her.
MULTIMEDIA Woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.
CPU (PROCESSOR) Woman:
She is always faster and faster.
E-MAIL Woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
VIRUS Woman:
Also known as "MALICIOUS WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes,
installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you
will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose
everything............
23.
Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 Funny. Sent on: 1/27/2004 - By: JokePics
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5. and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
************************
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try to enter the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.
CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and crashes quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support
24.
17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's Sent on: 7/7/2000
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
Sex: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO
50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you
have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
25. SHOPPING MATH: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
26.
The following
are ways to determine whether a truck is company owned:
1. Company trucks travel faster in all gears.
2. They accelerate much faster than personal trucks, leaving tire marks on
pavement.
3. They enjoy a much shorter braking distance, leaving more tire marks.
4. They can take bumps at twice the speed of private trucks.
5. Company trucks normally require oil changes at 100,000 mile intervals.
6. Their floors are shaped like ash trays, and accommodate milk cartons, coke
bottles, leftover food, and paper wrappers.
7. They can be driven 100 miles or more with the oil pressure light flashing.
8. They are adapted to allow the transmission to be shifted into reverse while
going forward at 20 mph.
9. Their tire walls are designed for bumping into and over curbs.
10. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning the
radio volume up.
11. Company trucks are not designed to be washed or waxed or to retain
hubcaps.
12. All company trucks have many dents in the body, inflicted by a mysterious
person called "not me".
27.
Joke from Career Development Centre, What does your profession mean:
Definition of:
1. Marketing - You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
2. Sales - Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
3. Technology - Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even you don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
4. Engineering - One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all persona adverts are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your personality syndrome.
5. Accounting - The only other sign that is studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
6. Human Resources - Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch and then mail a letter.
7. Management/Middle Management - Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager."
8. Senior Management - (See above - Same sign, different title)
9. Customer Service - Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
10. Consultant - Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
11. Recruiter, "Headhunter" - As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
12. Partner, President, CEO - You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out various complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.
13. Government worker - Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job... Thus the term "GO POSTAL"
These are just jokes and take them as they are. Don’t take these definitions serious.
5
In 1912 the world famous Australian gynecologist. Dr. Hermann Otto Kloepneckler. M.D. Ph.D. published the following:
"The best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston. And it changes its own oil every four weeks. It is only a pity that the management system is so f***ing temperamental"
(From the above scientist findings don't all married men have the best engine, self lubricating and everything, unless they are in a relationship that is not accepted by religion. Doesn't God know what he is doing because men are interested in engines, yet they require a lot of work, so this engine is unrivaled to date.
"Its the remix to ignition flowing fresh out of the kitchen."
"Better than a fine tuned supper sonic speed machine, A ride smoother than a limousine, does 0 to 60 in ....., can you handle them curves {KJV Song of Solomon 7:1} and you've got the key so........ drive")
14
(No wonder most chefs are men or men are chefs. Am not disagreeing that women cook, but who does the best cooking in the marriage.)
- ‹ Back
-
Damian Mutuandunda WaKilonzo
- Sign in to another account...
- Sign out of all accounts
Damian Mutuandunda WaKilonzo
-
40:31
Rob - New comedy - Trailer/Promo/Preview - Series Premiere Thursday Jan 12 - On CBS
by USTVsTrailers 109,598 views
-
71:42
A Thousand Words Trailer Official 2012 [HD] - Eddie Murphy, Kerry Washington
by ClevverMovies 568,354 views
-
80:42
WATCHED Easy E clip, she should be given an award for this part Scrubs season 4
by Damian Mutuandunda WaKilonzo 3 views
-
91:24
Hot white chicks listen to rap music, Scrubs season 4 (1).flv
by Damian Mutuandunda WaKilonzo 12 views
-
101:24
Hot white chicks listen to rap music, Scrubs season 4 (1).flv
by Damian Mutuandunda WaKilonzo 12 views
-
111:02
She is not pregnant celebration fun clip Scrubs season 4
by Damian Mutuandunda WaKilonzo 8 views
About Damian Mutuandunda WaKilonzo
1,274 views
0 subscribers
- Language:
- Location:
- Safety:
Loading...
Loading...
Loading...
- Your list is empty. Add videos to your list using this button:
or load a different list.
- Save as a new playlist
- Clear all videos from this list
- Load a different playlist
- Learn more