JOBS
A job is a regular activity performed in exchange for payment. A person usually begins a job by becoming an employee, volunteering, or starting a business. The duration of a job may range from an hour (in the case of odd jobs) to a lifetime (in the case of some judges). If a person is trained for a certain type of job, they may have a profession. The series of jobs a person holds in their life is their career.
Most people spend a good portion of their time doing a regular occupation. Some exceptions are being a student, disabled, or retired.
Types of jobs
There are a variety of jobs: full time, part time, temporary, odd jobs, seasonal, self-employment.
People may have a chosen occupation for which they have received training or a degree.
Those who do not hold down a steady job may do odd jobs or be unemployed.
Moonlighting is the practice of holding an additional job or jobs, often at night, in addition to one's main job, usually to earn extra income. A person who moonlights may have little time left for sleep or leisure activities.
Résumés summarize a person's education and job experience for potential employers. Employers read job candidate résumés to decide who to interview for an open position.
In economics, a vacancy or job opening refers to a job offered by a firm that wishes to hire a worker.
From Wikipedia
To receive jobs by email, send an email to [email protected] and/or [email protected] with the word subscribe on the subject line.
If Kenyan one can subscribe to Kenyan Jobs
http://kenyanjobs.blogspot.com The Official site is http://www.kenyan-jobs.com
ONLINE RESUME GUIDELINES
There are many ways of presenting and describing one’s experience in a resume
Register online or upload your resume in Microsoft Word or PDF format. Maximum
length should be 3 pages and individual files should not exceed 1MB. You
should/may receive a confirmation reference number which you should write down
and use in any future correspondence Avoid listing only the job title or type of
responsibility only. Outline the key accountabilities of your role and routine
duties as well as any significant achievements.
SHORT LISTED CANDIDATES
The timeline for recruitment often varies depending on the post and can often
take several weeks from the closing date before shortlisted candidates are
contacted for interviews.
INTERVIEWS – WHAT TO EXPECT & HOW TO PREPARE
Whether in a face-to-face interview or by video conferencing, you may be
interviewed by a recruitment panel which typically comprises a recruitment
officer, a human resources representative, the relevant line manager and one or
two other representatives from our company.
Generally interviews last for 30 to 45 minutes and cover your background and
experience and the knowledge and competencies required to perform the job role
through a number of questions. The interview process is intended to be a
dialogue and an exchange, as well as an opportunity to present yourself to your
best advantage.
- Make sure you are well groomed and suitably attired.
- Know the exact time and place of your interview, as well as who to ask for upon arrival.
- Prepare a short list of questions which are relevant to the position you are being interviewed for.
- Try to not answer questions with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ only. Try to answer fully and elaborate where appropriate.
- Use specific examples from your previous employment to demonstrate your capabilities and outline your achievements in a qualified and measurable way.
- Try to link your qualifications to the requirements of the position.
- Try rehearsing the interview with a friend.
- keep calm and don’t be nervous!
FRAUD ALERT
Every internet user must be aware that members of the public receive emails containing fraudulent employment opportunities. Fraudulent employer e-mails often contain fake offers of employment requesting personal information or payment to process a job application or a payment to process your visa.
How can you recognize a fraudulent offer of employment?
Recruiters will never email you from personal email accounts such as
Hotmail, Yahoo, Gmail or other free online emails. They use company addresses.
We will only hire you if we have discussed a role with you by phone or face
to face. An offer of employment without any interview is most likely to be a
fraudulent offer. If you have never applied for a job vacancy, you should
probably suspect you are the target of fraud if you receive an employment offer.
RECRUITMENT PROCESS
- Login and create your own account
- Register your resume online today
- Search all current vacancies
- Select the perfect job for you and apply!
Instructions How to Get the Job
1
Visit the company websites of the top 10 companies you want to work for. The
company websites will tell you a wealth of information. Determine the company
culture and decide on several that fit your lifestyle and criteria.
2
Search the company website for leadership training programs. United
Technologies, for example, has a leadership training program in several areas.
Know the training programs and who gets into those programs before you start
your education.
3
Contact the career services department where you went to college. Ask the
specialist if the school has any internships or co-ops with companies. The
easiest way to get your dream job is to go in the back door. Many of the co-ops
and internships lead to a hiring.
4
Do an internship or co-op. Many companies hire internally before going
externally. Many Fortune 500 jobs are never posted outside the company, and you
won't ever hear about them unless you are internal. An intern has access to
internal jobs. Serve out your internship, make contacts with those who will give
you a reference and take advantage of your internal status.
5
Contact a recruiter. Many recruiting firms are hired by companies to find new
talent. Get your resume to a recruiter and get to know them. Let them find you
the job.
6
Start at the ground floor. Just get your foot in the door. Sometimes you have to
take a pay cut or a lower-level job to start. Then, work hard and let the
management come to you. Once in the door, you can also talk with your human
resources (HR) representative. HR is always on the lookout for new talent. Let
HR know you are interested in the future of the company and your future at the
company.
Communication Skills
Communication skills have always been critical for success for employees in
organizations of any size. In companies, these skills become even more critical
because of the sheer numbers and types of audiences that the employee must
communicate with. Communication skills include both verbal and written
communication and now must incorporate the ability to communicate through
electronic channels, including social media. Employees that can focus their
communications effectively to consider the target audiences' needs and interests
and develop key messages designed to achieve identified goals will find success.
Collaboration Skills
Employees in companies are part of a large organization that consists of many
parts that must work together effectively to achieve common goals. Collaboration
skills are critical. It is not enough to have an idea and expect that idea to
move smoothly through to fruition. Instead, successful employees must consider
the needs of others in the organizations, the interests and desires of
colleagues--sometimes competing interests--and how to navigate an environment
where multiple individuals may have multiple needs. Collaboration is critical
and the ability to collaborate effectively is the mark of an effective employee
in this environment.
Ability to Function as Part of a Team
Regardless of an employee's position, he will be working as part of a team in a
Fortune 500 environment. Rarely is anything accomplished independently.
Employees will rely on others to provide tools, resources, advice and support to
achieve objectives, and others will rely on them. Understanding that both
success and failure occur as part of a team and serving as a supportive member
of a team are critical success factors for employees in this environment.
The Advantages & Disadvantages of an MBA.
Career Advancement
Graduates who have earned an MBA have the clear advantage when being considered
for career advancement opportunities in their jobs. This degree allows the
student to get a good job after graduation as well as accelerating the time it
takes to advance and earn pay increases. Graduates with an MBA also are more
likely to reach the top jobs in major corporations. This degree will allow the
student to appeal more to those companies with which she will interview with
after graduation.
Flexibility
An MBA is not a degree that is specific to just one industry or area of study;
it is a general business degree that helps students to gain a better
understanding of the business world in any field. People with this degree are
trained to hold managerial jobs in large corporations or start and run their own
business. The degree teaches managerial skills as well as the inner workings of
any successful business. All of these skills make students an appealing
candidate for potential employers.
Recession-Proof
As industries grow and change, some jobs become obsolete or the demand for
workers decreases while other jobs increase in demand. An MBA is a degree that
will always be useful for positions in many different fields, offering job
security to students who choose to pursue it. Businesses will always want
managers and other office workers who know how business works and are able to
effectively use their skills to make the business successful, especially when
there is an economic downturn.
Cost
One of the biggest disadvantages of pursing an MBA is the cost associated with
the degree. Some students have already taken out student loans or paid large
amounts of money to earn a bachelor's degree. These students may not be able to
borrow more or may be out of resources to pay for any further education. They
could enter the workforce and earn their MBA as they work, but this will take
longer, and if the MBA will not positively impact the career they are choosing,
it will be money wasted.
Distance Learning
Some MBA programs are offered online or through other distance learning
programs. These programs, while convenient and flexible for students, do not
offer the networking and face-to-face contact that is crucial for earning and
using an MBA. The business world is built on networking and being able to deal
with people in person. Online distance learning often operates through email,
chat rooms and podcasts. These elements are also useful to the MBA student, but
do not offer personal interaction. For some students, the lack of networking and
face-to-face contact does not hurt their opportunities, but others need this
personal contact to develop their skills.
LIST OF JOB SITES
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The Fortune 500
While there are no "requirements" to become a CEO, a Master of Business Administration (MBA) degree, along with some key courses, will help you market and sell your vision as the CEO of a company. Core business classes that cover topics such as Accounting, Marketing, Finance and Operations, are essential to any student that wants to become a CEO and run a successful company. In these courses, students study marketing research methods, consumer behaviors, business theories, final decision theories and operation strategies to build a foundation for their executive career path. There are industries that do not heavily rely on candidates with an MBA. Rather, they desire real-world experience and applicable skills to the relevant job position. If you decide to obtain an MBA, you will most certainly find that some organizations, mostly smaller ones, will not be able to hire you. Because you have an MBA from an accredited university, you have now become that much more valuable and can request higher-paying salaries that some companies cannot afford.
Further studies will help you expand your employment options, increase your salary and job scope, change careers, and add a new and significant credential to your resume.
Benefits of MBA
An MBA program can be of great use if you are planning to move into managerial positions, to develop a wider professional network, to set up your own business, or to obtain business-related jobs internationally.
Managerial Skills: Knowledge imparted in MBA program extends out in developing managerial skills for candidates. These skills provide the essentials for dealing with real-time situations pertaining to management and resolution of problems. You are not only equipped in enacting a managerial role but also facilitated in grasping core responsibilities of your organization.
Developing business expertise: MBA provides an added advantage for students from
non-business backgrounds. By earning an MBA degree, you increase your practical
knowledge in the field of business administration. Most of the business schools
recognize MBA both as a professional and academic degree. Even after completing
your MBA, you can continue your doctorate in any other discipline.
Competitive advantage: A competent MBA program prepares candidates as highly
qualified leaders. The specialized skills and leadership qualities taught in MBA
programs, provides you with a competitive advantage over others. Most of the
leading business organizations prefer to hire MBAs for higher management
positions.
Career Advancement: An MBA degree helps you in quickly climbing up the corporate
ladder with a handsome salary package alongside a respectable designation.
According to a recent survey, high performing successful MBAs are more likely to
reach top management levels of Fortune 500 companies and other corporate areas.
MBAs with specialized skills are commonly selected to lead start-up companies.
Recession Proof Degree / Job Security: An MBA degree provides a combination of
elective and specialized courses wherein by training candidates to handle
complex business situations. Thus, having an MBA degree assures sustainability
of your job in the organization. The demand for MBAs rides high even during
global economic recession.
Career Change: An MBA in general and a Dual MBA in particular, provide you with
the cushion of switching your career. An MBA with particular specialization
makes it easier for you to move across industries.
Business Connections and Networking: Social networking during the MBA academic
term helps in establishing business contacts and referrals. In the long run, you
can avail these contacts in improving your business position in the market.
Starting your own business: An ideal MBA program helps you in becoming business
savvy. The skill-set taught in MBA provides you with the hands-on training for
dealing with real work business problems. Eventually, you can branch out as an
independent entrepreneur: running your very own successful business.
The average price tag of an MBA is estimated at $30,000
— certainly a significant amount of cash. However, experts say that an MBA
provides a yearly boost of between $10,000 and $30,000 over a bachelor’s degree,
so it’s possible you could make up the cost of your graduate education with a
year’s worth of work in the business field.
A good MBA degree program will teach you skills you can’t necessarily learn on
the job, and will prepare you for doing business in a global economy. Keep in
mind, however, that an MBA program will consume much of your time, energy, and
attention, even as it adds to your roster of professional skills — and there’s
no guarantee you’ll land that perfect job after graduation.
Find out about oDesk, Elance, Freelancer, Guru, vWorker
Sub Categories:
- Planning for a Successful Job Interview
- Make Sure You Don’t Talk Yourself Right out of a Job
- Making a Positive Impression in Job Interviews
- Writing Follow-Up Messages
Planning for a Successful Job Interview
• Learn about the organization, including its
operations, markets, and challenges.
• Plan for the employer’s questions, including questions
about tough decisions you’ve made, your weaknesses,
what you didn’t like about previous jobs, and your
career plans.
• Plan questions of your own to find out whether this is
really the job and the organization for you, and to
show that you’ve done your research.
• Bolster your confidence by removing as many sources
of apprehension as you can.
• Polish your interview style by staging mock interviews.
• Plan to look good with appropriate dress and
grooming.
• Be ready when you arrive, and bring along a pen,
paper, list of questions, two résumés, an outline of
your research on the company, and any
correspondence you’ve had regarding the position.
• Double-check the location and time of the interview
and map out the route beforehand.
• Relax and be flexible; the schedule and interview
arrangements may change when you arrive.
Make Sure You Don’t Talk Yourself Right out of a Job
Even well-qualified applicants sometimes talk themselves right
out of an opportunity by making avoidable blunders during
the job interview. Take care to avoid these all-too-common
mistakes:
● Being defensive. An interview isn’t an interrogation, and
the interviewer isn’t out to get you. Treat interviews as
business conversations, an exchange of information in
which both sides have something of value to share. You’ll
give (and get) better information that way.
● Failing to ask questions. Interviewers expect you to ask
questions, both during the interview and at its conclusion
when they ask if you have any questions. If you have nothing
to ask, you come across as someone who isn’t really interested
in the job or the company. Prepare a list of questions
before every interview.
● Failing to answer questions—or trying to bluff your
way through difficult questions. If you simply can’t answer
a question, don’t try to talk your way around it or
fake your way through it. Remember that sometimes interviewers
ask strange questions just to see how you’ll respond.
What kind of fish would you like to be? How would
you go about nailing jelly to the ceiling? Why are manhole
covers round? Some of these questions are designed to test
your grace under pressure, whereas others actually expect
you to think through a logical answer (manhole covers are
round because that’s the only shape that can’t fall through
an open hole of slightly smaller size, by the way). Don’t act
like the question is stupid or refuse to answer it. Sit quietly
for a few seconds, try to imagine why the interviewer has
asked the question, then frame an answer that links your
strengths to the company’s needs.
● Freezing up. The human brain seems to have the capacity
to just freeze up under stressful situations. An interviewer
might have asked you a simple question, or perhaps
you were halfway through an intelligent answer, and
poof—all your thoughts disappear and you can’t organize
words in any logical order. Try to quickly replay the last
few seconds of the conversation in your mind to see if you
can recapture the conversational thread. If that fails,
you’re probably better off explaining to the reviewer that
your mind has gone blank and asking him or her to repeat
the question.Doing so is embarrassing, but not as embarrassing
as chattering on and on with no idea of what
you’re saying, hoping you’ll stumble back onto the topic.
● Failing to understand your potential to contribute to the
organization. Interviewers care less about your history
than about how you can help their organization in the future.
Unless you’ve inventoried your own skills, researched
their needs, and found a match between the two, you won’t
be able to answer these questions quickly and intelligently.
How Google interviews (Interviewing@Google)
They look for smart, team-oriented people who can get
things done. When one interviews at Google, one’ll likely interview with four or
five Googlers. They look for four things:
1. Leadership
They’ll want to know how one has flexed different muscles in different
situations in order to mobilize a team. This might be by asserting a leadership
role at work or with an organization, or by helping a team succeed when one they
aren’t officially appointed as the leader.
2. Role-Related Knowledge
They look for people who have a variety of strengths and passions, not just
isolated skill sets. They also make sure that one has the experience and the
background that will set one up for success in the role. For engineering
candidates in particular, they’ll be looking to check out ones coding skills and
technical areas of expertise.
3. How One Thinks
They are less concerned about grades and transcripts and more interested in how
one thinks. They are likely to ask one some role-related questions that provide
insight into how one solves problems. Show them how you would tackle the problem
presented--don’t get hung up on nailing the “right” answer.
4. Googleyness
They want to get a feel for what makes you, well, you. They also want to
make sure this is a place one will thrive, so they’ll be looking for signs
around ones comfort with ambiguity, ones bias to action and ones collaborative
nature.
How Google decides
There are also a few other things they do to make sure they’re always hiring the
right candidate for the right role and for Google.
A. They collect
feedback from multiple Googlers
At Google, one works on tons of projects with different groups of Googlers,
across many teams and time zones. To give one a sense of what working there is
really like, some of the interviewers could be potential teammates, but some
interviewers will be with other teams. This helps them see how one might
collaborate and fit in at Google overall.
B. Independent committees of Googlers help them
ensure they’re hiring for the long term
An independent committee of Googlers review feedback from all of the
interviewers. This committee is responsible for ensuring there hiring process is
fair and that they’re holding true to there “good for Google” standards as they
grow.
They believe that if one hire great people and involve them intensively in the
hiring process, one will get more great people. Over the past couple of years,
they’ve spent a lot of time making there hiring process as efficient as possible
- reducing time-to-hire and increasing there communications to candidates. While
involving Googlers in the process does take longer, they believe it’s worth it.
There early Googlers identified these principles more than ten years ago, and
it’s what allows them to hold true to who they are as they grow.
These core principles are true across Google, but when it comes to specifics,
there are some pieces of there process that look a little different across
teams. There recruiters can help one navigate through these as the time comes.
At Google, they don’t just accept difference - they celebrate it, they
support it, and they thrive on it for the benefit of there employees, there
products and there community. Google is proud to be an equal opportunity
workplace and is an affirmative action employer.
Making a Positive Impression in Job Interviews
A. The Warm-Up
• Stay on your toes; even initial small talk is part of the
interviewing process.
• Greet the interviewer by name, with a smile and
direct eye contact.
• Offer a firm (not crushing) handshake if the
interviewer extends a hand.
• Take a seat only after the interviewer invites you to sit
or has taken his or her own seat.
• Listen for cues about what the questions are trying to
reveal about you and your qualifications.
B. The Question-and-Answer Stage
• Let the interviewer lead the conversation.
• Never answer a question before the interviewer
finishes asking it.
• Listen carefully to the interviewer and watch for
nonverbal signals.
• Don’t limit yourself to simple yes or no answers;
expand on the answer to show your knowledge of the
company (but don’t ramble on).
• If you encounter a potentially discriminatory
question, decide how you want to respond before you
say anything.
• When you have the opportunity, ask questions from
the list you’ve prepared; remember that interviewers
expect you to ask questions.
C. The Close
• Watch and listen for signs that the interview is about
to end.
• Quickly evaluate how well you’ve done and correct
any misperceptions the interviewer might have.
• If you receive an offer and aren’t ready to decide, it’s
entirely appropriate to ask for time to think about it.
• Don’t bring up salary, but be prepared to discuss it if
the interviewer raises the subject.
• End with a warm smile and a handshake, and thank
the interviewer for meeting with you.
A. Thank-You Messages
• Write a brief thank-you letter within two days of theinterview.
• Acknowledge the interviewer’s time and courtesy.
• Restate the specific job you’re applying for.
• Express your enthusiasm about the organization and
the job.
• Add any new facts that may help your chances.
• Politely ask for a decision.
B. Messages of Inquiry
• If you haven’t heard from the interviewer by the
promised date, write a brief message of inquiry.
• Use a direct approach: main idea, necessary details,
specific request.
C. Requests for a Time Extension
• Request an extension if you have pending interviews
and need time to decide about an offer.
• Open on a friendly note.
• Explain why you need more time and express
continued interest in the company.
• In the close, promise a quick decision if your request
is denied, and ask for a confirmation if your request is
granted.
D. Letters of Acceptance
• Send this message within five days of receiving the offer.
• State clearly that you accept the offer, identify the job
you’re accepting, and confirm vital details such as
salary and start date.
• Make sure you want the job; an acceptance letter can
be treated as a legally binding contract.
E. Letters Declining a Job Offer
• Use the model for negative messages.
• Open on a warm and appreciative note, then explain
why you are refusing the offer.
• End on a sincere, positive note.
F. Letters of Resignation
• Send a letter of resignation to your current employer
as soon as possible.
• Begin with an appreciative buffer.
• In the middle section, state your reasons for leaving,
and actually state that you are resigning.
• Close cordially.
Resume Tips: don’t be so bold
How to select and work with a recruiter
8 Types of Interview
Job Interview: Dazzle Interviewers With Your Achievements
Preparing for an Interview: Skills, Preparation and Practice
7 Signs of a Bad Interview
Using Your First Job as a Career Builder – Part 2 of 3
Using Your First Job as a Career Builder – Part 1 of 3
23 Important Tips for Job Interviews
Read more about how google builds their teams at entrepreneur.com
For further information use the following web Hashtags
#hiring
#hfchat
#HR
#jobhuntchat
#jobopening
#jobposting
#jobsearch
#joblisting
#tweetmyjobs
#employment
#recruiting
Most Economies are not producing well paid Jobs right now but people are encouraged to look for anything productive that can produce positive results to do.
The words Opportunity NOWHERE has two points of view where one is that there is no opportunity anywhere the other means there is an opportunity here and now.
Phillip said God supplies believers needs (KJV Philippians 4: 19-20).
KJV Philippians 4: 19-20
19 But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory
by Christ Jesus.
20 Now unto God and our Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen
So don't all who believe in GOD have a divine Job of Charity, Prayer, Worship, etc doesn't GOD pay generously, then allows man to show appreciation by assisting others with 10%+offering.
KJV Matthew 20: 1-16
For the kingdom of heaven is like unto a man that is an householder, which went
out early in the morning to hire labourers into his vineyard.
And when he had agreed with the labourers for a penny a day, he sent them into
his vineyard.
And he went out about the third hour, and saw others standing idle in the
marketplace,
And said unto them; Go ye also into the vineyard, and whatsoever is right I will
give you. And they went their way.
Again he went out about the sixth and ninth hour, and did likewise.
And about the eleventh hour he went out, and found others standing idle, and
saith unto them, Why stand ye here all the day idle?
They say unto him, Because no man hath hired us. He saith unto them, Go ye also
into the vineyard; and whatsoever is right, that shall ye receive.
So when even was come, the lord of the vineyard saith unto his steward, Call the
labourers, and give them their hire, beginning from the last unto the first.
And when they came that were hired about the eleventh hour, they received every
man a penny.
But when the first came, they supposed that they should have received more; and
they likewise received every man a penny.
And when they had received it, they murmured against the goodman of the house,
Saying, These last have wrought but one hour, and thou hast made them equal unto
us, which have borne the burden and heat of the day.
But he answered one of them, and said, Friend, I do thee no wrong: didst not
thou agree with me for a penny?
Take that thine is, and go thy way: I will give unto this last, even as unto
thee.
Is it not lawful for me to do what I will with mine own? Is thine eye evil,
because I am good?
So the last shall be first, and the first last: for many be called, but few
chosen.
BELIEVERS EMPLOYMENT:
● To equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.
●Having then gifts differing according to the grace that is given to us, Enduring Suffering for Christ and to be Joint-Heirs with Christ.
●Inheritance with Saints in Light and to Sit in Judgment with Christ.
●Hoping for the crown of righteousness, Crown of Glory and Crown of Life and to be heirs of God’s glory by converting the soul.
●To shun all forms of debauchery and sinful life styles through Gods gift of repentance by committing ourselves to Him through water baptism by Resisting the devil and temptations.
●To be Humble & Having a Child-Like Faith by Seeking First God's Kingdom, Not Worldly Wealth & Possessions.
●To speak out and warn people of Gods coming Judgments and Teaching God's Word & His Ways to Sinners & Believers by Making Disciples and doing everything for the Glory of God.
●To be Doers of the Word, not Merely Hearers and to teach the commandments and doctrines of God and faithfully obeying them. By admonishing each other, in psalms, and hymns, and spiritual songs
Category Rss Feed - http://www.christianarticles.net/rss.php?rss=58
By : Shaila Touchton
Author Resource:- http://scriptureknowledgebase.blogspot.com/2011/02/resume-of-christian-believer.html
Visit http://search4wisdom.weebly.com/believer.html
KJV Psalm 24:4-5
4 He that hath clean hands, and a pure heart; who hath not lifted up his soul unto vanity, nor sworn deceitfully.
5 He shall receive the blessing from the LORD, and righteousness from the God of his salvation.
To receive jobs by email, send an email to [email protected] and/or [email protected] with the word subscribe on the subject line.
Kenyan Jobs - A Collection of Jobs in Kenya http://kenyanjobs.blogspot.com
Sports betting can always provide supplementary income but should only be done for fun, not addictive. http://bit.ly/s4wbet
Below is a work related Joke, were do you think you fit from the joke.
Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Accounting.
If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
And if they've left early, put them in Sales
(As long as your in sales you can leave early and claim you are selling out there)
More Humour
Joke from Career Development Centre, What does your profession mean:
Definition of:
1. Marketing - You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
2. Sales - Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
3. Technology - Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even you don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
4. Engineering - One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all persona adverts are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your personality syndrome.
5. Accounting - The only other sign that is studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
6. Human Resources - Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch and then mail a letter.
7. Management/Middle Management - Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager."
8. Senior Management - (See above - Same sign, different title)
9. Customer Service - Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
10. Consultant - Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
11. Recruiter, "Headhunter" - As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
12. Partner, President, CEO - You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out various complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.
13. Government worker - Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job... Thus the term "GO POSTAL"
17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's Sent on: 7/7/2000
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
Sex: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO
50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you
have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
WHAT THEY TELL YOU IN CAPS what it means in small
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY":
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE": We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED":
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME
OVERTIME REQUIRED": Some time each night and some time each
weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY": Anyone in the office can
boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL": We have
no quality control.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known a the lesser of two weevils.
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