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Retrieved from "wikipedia"
See also:
Dr. Carnes mentions that:
Al Cooper (one of the original researchers in internet sex) described internet
sex as the ‘crack cocaine’ of sexual addiction because it is an accelerant for
adults of all stages of the lifespan. He felt that people would never have the
problem if it had not been for the internet.
For Young Men
Women enjoy complimentary remarks about them.
Women like men to talk about the things men think and feel about life.
No display of wealth will impress a girl of character
Interesting conversation and experiences may win her favour.
Visits to interesting places which provide some possibility of excitement will give pleasure for a normal girl loves anything of an unusual and thrilling character.
Success comes from treating her as an equal and a colleague.
For Young Women
A young woman should radiate a charming personality and employ the right methods.
When out with a male companion, the girl should, in a very diplomatic way, help to meet the cost of an outing.
Yielding to man's demands does not enhance friendship or love. in fact it may kill it.
Simplicity
Simplicity is truthfulness in deeds. A simple person does not pretend to be what he is not or to "put on an air of importance." He/She does not try to portray an image. He acts and presents himself as he is. He ensures that his speech, his way of dressing, his behaviour, truly reflect his real motives.
Simplicity is expressed in
- refined manners in one's dealing with others;
- cheerfulness;
- patience in difficult situations;
- optimism; of looking at the bright side of things;
- a tendency to avoid being argumentative;
- a capacity to do things without attracting attentions;
- enthusiastic gratitude;
- an ability to correct his mistakes;
- a trusting and respectful relationship with God, etc
20 sex secrets
Canadian women share intimate tips on sex toys, videos and more
By Rhea Seymour
Wish
you could get some more va-va-voom into your bedroom? Paying a little extra
attention to your sex life may be all it takes to transform it from so-so to
sizzling. “Women put a lot of effort into their careers, friendship and
parenting—they read books and talk to other people about them,” says Joan
Marsman, a couples and sex therapist in Toronto. Good sex requires the same
level of attention and education. As she says, “That means making time for sex,
thinking about it and making sure you have enough energy for it.” We asked
Canadian women from coast to coast to share their best sex tips (but changed
their names to protect their privacy). Read on to get inspired, and then share
your own naughty secrets!
1. Rev your engine
“To get in the mood for an evening of sex, I start thinking about it in the
afternoon and fantasizing about how good it will feel. By the time I put my
toddler to bed and have a glass of wine, I already feel aroused.”
Jana, Toronto
2. Give to receive
“Be generous outside of the bedroom with foot rubs, shoulder rubs and loving
words. Little signs of affection can build up and put you both in a mood that
you weren’t necessarily expecting.”
Pauline, Winnipeg
3. Steam things up
“My husband and I shower together four or five days a week. Most mornings we’re
simply shampooing and soaping before the kids get up, but it sure is sexy to see
his glistening body like that. And there is the occasional morning when we start
making lunches a little later than usual...”
Kerry, Toronto
4. Carve out some alone time
“We send our four kids downstairs to watch cartoons on Saturday mornings and
then we have a quickie to start off the day.”
Catherine, Saint John, N.B.
5. Don’t forget the lube
“Forget diamonds, lube is a girl's best friend when it comes to giving hand jobs
or oral sex. Make a big show of pulling it out and squeezing a dollop into your
palm—and watch his eyes pop out of his head when he realizes what’s next.”
Jill, Toronto
6. Make laundry day more fun
"Sit on top of the washing machine during the rinse cycle with your partner
standing up, facing you. Good vibrations, baby!”
Vicky, Thunder Bay, Ont.
7. Play games with each other
“We like to turn regular board games into sex games; each point represents
something sexual, like a kiss.”
Katrina, Edmonton
8. Connect again
“About once a week, after we put our daughter to bed, we crawl into our bed
together with the newspapers. We read and have an adult conversation that’s
unrelated to bills and chores. Inevitably, we start flirting and having sex.”
Diane, Oakville, Ont.
9. Rent a sexy movie
“We subscribe to a movie rental delivery service called skinflix.ca. We like a
series of adult films called, “For Couples Only”. We have a DVD player in the
bedroom and we’ve never made it through a whole movie from start to finish...”
Sarah, Kingston, Ont.
10. Take charge
“Confidence is a turn-on. If you’re comfortable with your body, you’re more able
to relax and have fun. And when you’re more assertive, there’s less performance
anxiety for him.”
Keisha, Whitehorse, Yukon
11. Play together
“Play a recreational co-ed team sport, like volleyball, with your partner. It
will help keep you both fit, relieve stress and you’ll work as a team. It builds
camaraderie and spices things up in the bedroom.”
Lorraine, Toronto
12. Visit a nude beach
“Once you get over being naked, it’s really freeing and relaxing. We always end
up having sex—back in the hotel room—a couple of times a day.”
Emily, Mississauga, Ont.
13. Have a make-out session
“For my 36th birthday my husband surprised me after dinner by taking me dancing.
Before we knew it, we were making out on the dance floor, his hands all over me
like a frat boy, and mine likewise! Perhaps you could call it a little dance
floorplay!”
Jasmine, Toronto
14. Trade in your thong
“Despite the fact that we torture ourselves with uncomfortable underwear, guys
dig white cotton, especially under jeans. I think it works because it's
unexpected, it's innocent and it shows confidence.”
Stephanie, Guelph, Ont.
15. Put sex first
“It’s harder to find time together when the kids are teenagers—they stay up
later than you do and know what you are up to, which is icky for everyone. So
sometimes you have to put your relationship before the kids; that might mean
missing your child’s practice or game to sneak home and have time together, but
it’s worth it.”
Terry, Rothesay, N.B.
16. Play with toys
“Sex can be boring when it’s the same old, same old. Sex toys, like vibrators,
lubricants and edible paint, are a real turn-on and add variety to sex.”
Claire, Toronto
17. Escape the everyday
“Once or twice a year, we book a night at a hotel. Getting away from our kids
and all of the responsibilities at home helps us let loose and focus on us.”
Leah, Toronto
18. Share a bedtime story
“We invent stories for one another: it can be a sexy story about the two of us
having sex in a new location or something more risqué. We also like read each
other sexy short stories or passages from a book; one of our favourites is
The Gates of Paradise
by Albert Manguel.”
Maria, Toronto
19. Take the wheel
“You can’t sit around waiting for someone to make you happy; that goes for
sexual happiness, too. When my partner bought a new truck, I thought it would be
erotic to join him on the road to christen it. Three hours into the drive, I
realized he wasn’t going to stop, so I took off my bra. He pulled off at the
next ramp and we indulged in some very hot sex.”
Paige, Dieppe, N.B.
20. Pay him a compliment
“Women expect and need compliments and men do, too—they just don’t ask for it.
If he knows that you think he’s sexy, he’ll try harder in bed to please you and
prove that you’re right.”
Megan, Toronto
What's your sex secret? Tell us in the comments and we may publish you (first name only!) in an upcoming feature.
Related content:
•
6 steps to better sex—tonight
•
Make your sex life greener
•
What your sexual fantasies say about you
Related Features
· Best Health: Forum - Hot Topics
Better sex now
Three things to tell him—and three things to ask—for better sex, tonight
By Beth Hitchcock
Talking about sex is a bit like writing about cooking—sometimes the words get in the way of the savouring. But if your love life could use a dash of spice, it may be time to order up a frank discussion. “If there’s any type of communication that’s particularly difficult, it’s sexual communication,” says Sandra Byers, chair of the University of New Brunswick’s psychology department and co-author of Understanding Human Sexuality. To make it easier, try one of these simple conversation starters for better, more passionate, more connected sex.
Tell him: “Let’s make out like we’re teenagers again.”
A cheeky come-on takes the pressure off performance and puts the focus on fun. After all, your sex life isn’t a failure if you don’t have a mind-blowing orgasm every time. “You don’t eat gourmet meals all the time—sometimes you just have mac and cheese, and that’s okay,” says Byers. Rather than asking, “Did you have an orgasm?” she recommends that couples ask each other, “How satisfying was that for you?”
Ask him: “Do you feel rejected when I’m not in the mood?”
Men are just as vulnerable as women when it comes to their desirability, explains Lori Brotto, a psychologist and director of the sexual health laboratory at the University of British Columbia. A man may consider temporary disinterest in bed-play as a rejection of him as a person. Tell him you still feel the chemistry. Brotto also suggests asking, “What will it take for you to believe that I really do desire you?”
Tell him: “You’re driving me crazy—with desire!”
You don’t have to become a screeching banshee when you’re making love, but do use words. “Silent sex is almost always bad sex,” says Byers. “People need feedback, because what you liked yesterday, you may not like today.” It’s perfectly acceptable to rely on simple cues, as you would during a back rub: higher, faster, to the left!
Ask him: “Hey baby, what’s your number?”
Go ahead, ask your guy for some important stats: How often would he really like to make love, and for how long? Consider that according to a 2007 Sun Media/Leger Marketing sex poll of 1,524 Canadians, 21 percent of married people spend 10 minutes or less on foreplay. But everyone’s different. “While one woman might be happy with foreplay for 10 minutes, another might need 30,” says Byers. So forget about that impossibly hot couple you know who are all over each other; what works for you two? Use those other couples and stats to launch an honest discussion about what you both need and want.
Tell him: “I’m going to do some ‘homework.’”
In this case, “homework” means a little self-pleasuring. You see, Brotto’s clinical research shows that women aren’t exactly, well, in touch with their own sexual response. When women at the UBC lab were shown a short clip from an erotic film, almost all said they weren’t aroused by it, despite vaginal blood-flow measurements indicating that in fact they were. To bridge the mind-body disconnect, Brotto counsels women to explore “mindfulness,” a meditation practice. Try staying “in the moment” for five minutes a day: When you’re washing dishes or walking to work, stay focused and don’t allow your thoughts to wander. Or conjure up a steamy sexual fantasy and note your body’s response—even react to it by moaning or touching yourself. After two to four weeks of frequent mental exercises, Brotto says you may see an improvement in identifying—and acting upon—your own arousal.
Ask him: “Do you really like that little move I have been doing for years?”
While relying on your tried-and-true routine seems like a no-brainer, it can also lead to ho-hum sex. “I see this in therapy with a lot of long-term relationships,” says Byers. “Each partner knows exactly what parts to stimulate, for how long, in order to bring the other person to orgasm, but it’s the same every time.” Keep him guessing by trying something new every other time you have sex. Also, ask him what might make your best moves even better. As long as he knows he can answer without offending you, chances are he’ll happily help you, ahem, tweak your technique.
Related Features
· Best Health: Forum - Hot Topics
Best Health Magazine, Spring 2008
LUST - unbridled seeking of the pleasure of sex without directing it to its due end which is the generation of human life and intimate companionship within marriage. It is a cause of such vices as mental blindness, inconstancy, rashness, thoughtlessness and selfishness.
HUMOUR
Finally Together
Posted: 12 Jun 2013 03:44 PM PDT
A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married
again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.
But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally croaked.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him
for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to “Go forth and multiply.”
In his final eulogy, he noted, “Thank you Lord, they’re finally together.”
Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked… “Do you think he means her
first, second or third husband?”
The other mourner then replied… “I think he means her legs.”
The post Finally Together appeared first on .
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when
he was shot by the woman's husband.
Friendship between the sexes
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she
had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had
slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was
still there.
From [email protected]
Monday, July 15, 2013
Greetings Laff Lovers,
Saturday night the kids had a sleep-over at my brother's house, so Sunday morning the house was conspicuously empty. When I came downstairs that morning I found the wife in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the over-sized 'T' shirt that she normally sleeps in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You need to make love to me this very minute!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards, she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, pulling her T-shirt back down around her hips.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
Usefully,
TZ
Send me comments, jokes and pictures of all the hot women in your family at this link: [email protected]
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied. To continue to receive this ezine, add me to your address book: [email protected]
WHAT A WOMAN SAYS, WHAT A MAN HEARS
Posted: 23 Jul 2013 07:41 AM PDT
WHAT A WOMAN SAYS:
“This place is a mess around here!
C’mon, you and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you have no clothes to wear.
We need to do your laundry right now!”
WHAT A MAN HEARS:
blah, blah, blah, blah, MESS AROUND
blah, blah, blah, blah, C’MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I,
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR,
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES,
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!!
Elderly 69
Posted: 23 Jul 2013 09:43 AM PDT
An elderly man went to a brothel where he was escorted to a private room. The
naked prostitute lying on the bed asked him his pleasure. He replied that he
would like to try something new. The prostitute asked him, “What about oral
sex?” He replied, “No, I’ve had that before.” She then asked, “What about anal
sex?” He again said, “No, I’ve done that before too.” She then asked, “Well,
what about a 69?”, to which he said, “A 69? I’ve never done that before.”
After undressing the man, the prostitute lay down on the bed. “Now, lay on to of
me backwards. you go down on me at the same time I go down on you.”
Shortly after they began, the prostitute farted. “Oh, I’m sorry!”, she
exclaimed. The man seemed unfazed until she farted a second time. Before she
could apologize again, the man jumped out of bed. “Where are you going?”, asked
the woman. “With all due respect, ma’am,” said the man, “I don’t think I can
handle 67 more of those.”
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Posted: 23 Jul 2013 10:34 AM PDT
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go the end of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked.
Bring beer.
Greetings Laff Lovers,
For the most part I am very satisfied with my sex life. My wife knows and is
patient with my short-comings and I have learned a few tricks over the years of
our marriage that keep her happy.
But recently I have been thinking about anal sex, probably because my wife and I
have never done that except one unsuccessful night of experimentation way back
before we had kids, and I'm starting to wonder what I have been missing out on.
So last night I brought it up to her while she was making dinner in the kitchen.
"Sure," she said to my proposal without even a moment's hesitation.
"Really?"
"Yes. Just one thing, though."
"What is it?" I asked.
She turned to me and held up the zucchini she was peeling, "You first."
Debatingly,
TZ
"Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea," a patient told his urologist on the phone.
"The only woman he's screwed is our maid."
"Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here
right away and I'll take care of him."
"But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he
has."
"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up." Replied the doctor.
"Well," the man admitted, " I think my wife now has it too."
"Son of a bitch!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"
To continue to receive this ezine, add me to your address book: [email protected]
Condom Buyer
Posted: 24 Jul 2013 10:45 AM PDT
A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week to
buy 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week
after week he would come in with the same order.
One day the druggist felt he had to say something to the man.
“Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on
earth do you use that many condoms a
week?”
The man looked at him in disgust and said, “I beg your pardon, but I find the
whole idea of sex repulsive!”
“So,” the druggist asked, “then what do you do with all those condoms?”
The gentleman answered, “I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little
plastic bags.”
Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
Posted: 24 Jul 2013 09:06 AM PDT
10. Why it’s good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. FAT CLOTHES.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak
life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to
impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:
1. OTHER WOMEN!
Tongue Twister
Posted: 24 Jul 2013 05:02 AM PDT
A guy with a very black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down
in his seat. He notices immediately
that the guy next to him has a major black eye too. He says to him, “Hey this is
a coincidence, we both have black
eyes. Do you mind if I ask how you got yours?”
The other guy answers, “Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister
accident. See, I was at the ticket counter
and this gorgeous blonde with the hugest breasts in the world was there. So,
instead of saying ‘I’d like a ticket
to Pittsburgh,’ I said ‘I’d like a picket to Tittsburgh.’”
So she hauled off and punched me right in the eye.”
The first guy replied, “Wow, this IS a coincidence!
Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning, and I
meant to say to my wife, ‘Please
pass the box of Wheaties,’ but I accidentally said, ‘You ruined my life, you
stupid bitch.’”
Dirty Quickies
Posted: 25 Jul 2013 06:19 AM PDT
Q. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
A. Sperm is handmade.
Q. Why is it easy to filet a fly?
A. Because all you have to do is unzip it and the bone pops right out.
Q. What’s a Polish 69?
A. You suck your thumb while you jerk off.
Q: Why do women fart after they take a piss?
A: They can’t shake it, so they blow it dry.
Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people have a chance to have sex.
Q. You have a donkey and I have a rooster. Your donkey eats my rooster’s feet,
what do we have?
A. Two feet of my cock in your ass.
Q. What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
A. Gladiator!
Q. What’s green, has 4 legs, and smells like a woman’s butt?
A. The pool table in the White House
Womanly Truisms
Posted: 25 Jul 2013 05:01 AM PDT
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diet.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually
you find a hair stylist you like.
Perhaps you know why women over sixty don’t have babies. They would put them
down somewhere and forget where they
left them.
One of life’s mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain
five pounds.
I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right
place, but also to leave unsaid the
wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer but it’s also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
If at first you don’t succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop
laughing.
I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and
setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two
sizes.
It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
Age is important only if you’re cheese and wine.
The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting
a baby.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be
sedated with a few pieces of
chocolate cake.
Sex for Dummies
Posted: 05 Aug 2013 03:33 PM PDT
At a bookstore the other day, I saw a book entitled “Sex for Dummies”. Why would someone want to teach dumb people how to reproduce? Aren’t there enough of them with Facebook accounts now???
To Brake or Not to Brake
Posted: 05 Aug 2013 01:34 PM PDT
A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love.
He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them.
Realizing that they were not about to get our of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.
Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, “What the hell’s the matter with you two? Didn’t you hear me blowing the horn? You could’ve been killed!”
The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, “Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming.
You were the only one with brakes.”
Far-Out Menu
Posted: 05 Aug 2013 10:07 AM PDT
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
“Yes?” she inquiries with a knowing smile, “can I help you?”
“I was wondering”, whispers the man, “are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”
“Yes”, she purrs, “indeed I am.”
The man replies “Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!”
Sperm Journey
Posted: 05 Aug 2013 08:10 AM PDT
There are two sperms swimming and swimming and swimming and swimming for what seems like forever. They’re starting to get tired and one sperm says to the other, “Do you think we should pull over and ask for directions?”
The other sperm replies, “Naahhhh, we can find it.”
So, they keep on swimmin’.
Finally, they see this other sperm, who’s just about dead, and decide to stop and ask directions. They ask, “Do you think you can help us get where we’re going?” and the almost dead sperm says “Sure, where ya goin’?”
“Well, we’re trying to find the fallopian tubes so that we can try and fertilize the egg.”
The almost dead sperm just starts laughing and the other two look at each other somewhat confused and ask “What’s so funny?”
The almost dead sperm finally regains his composure and replies, “Welllllll, y’all have got a looooooonnnngggg way to go…….you’re still in the esophagus!”
The two young brothers watched through a keyhole as their older sister got in on with her boyfriend.
"Oh, Jim," she moaned. "You're about to go where no man has gone before!"
One brother looked at the other and snickered, "Well, I guess he's gonna screw her in the ass."
Be careful what you ask for
Posted: 03 Aug 2013 03:14 PM PDT
Our supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher.
“Don’t worry, lady,” he said. “I’ll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping.”
Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher’s voice boom over the public-address system: “Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store.”
What’s Sex?
Posted: 03 Aug 2013 11:16 AM PDT
A little girl ran out to the backyard where her father was working, and asked him, “Daddy, what’s sex?”
Like a good father, he sat her down, and told her all about the birds and the bees. He told her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs etc… He also told her about puberty, menstruation, erections, etc.
His daughter was somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Noticing her puzzled look, he asked, “So what did you want to know about sex for?”
His little girl replied, “Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs…”
The Bigger The Dumber
Posted: 03 Aug 2013 06:05 AM PDT
A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
She told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger members than his dad.
His mother replied, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.”
THREE DAUGHTERS
A mother had three daughters who lived far away. At each of their weddings, she tells them to write to her about their marriage life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a “code” to let the mother know how their love lives are going.
The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: “MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE”
Mother gets the newspaper and checks the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: “Satisfaction, Good to the last drop…” So, Mother is happy.
Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that reads: “ROTHMAN’S MATTRESSES”
So, the Mother looks at the Rothman’s Mattresses ad, and it says: “FULL SIZE, KING SIZE”. And Mother is happy.
Then it was the third one’s wedding. Mother was anxious. After four weeks came the message: “BRITISH AIRWAYS”
And mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted. The ad read: “THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK , BOTH WAYS.”
A biker was riding along the road when he saw a girl
about to jump off a bridge. So he stopped.
He gets off his bike and says, "Hey, honey, what the hell do you think you're
doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he also didn't want to miss an
opportunity, so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
kiss?"
So she does... And it was a long, passionate, deep-tongued, lingering, thrilling
kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "That was the best kiss I've had in a long
time. That's a real talent you are going to waste. You're a hot, passionate,
young thing. Why are you committing suicide?"
"Because, my parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.
Old Age
Posted: 14 Aug 2013 12:57 PM PDT
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”
The second lady chimed in, “Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”
The third one responded, ” Well, I’m glad I don’t have that problem; knock on wood,” as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them “That must be the door, I’ll get it!”"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS
Posted: 14 Aug 2013 11:54 AM PDT
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You’re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, “How’s my driving–call1-800-
6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male.
8. You’re counting down the days until menopause.
9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
Herpes
Posted: 14 Aug 2013 09:42 AM PDT
A man was out walking a dog, and a woman stopped to admire the animal.
“What’s your dog’s name?” she asked.
“Herpes,” replied the dog’s owner.
“How….odd,” said the woman. “Why herpes?”
“Because he won’t heel.”